Christmas

My mom just sent an email asking me and my sisters if we minded eating with the church this year for christmas, as opposed to our usual christmas dinner at home. It made me feel very sad, overwhelmingly so, for just an instant, and then the feeling was gone. It might be because I spent a good portion of my afternoon attempting to strangle myself. Clearly you can't do it with your own hands because you pass out and lose your grip, but that knowledge didn't stop me from trying. Electrical tape is too stretchy, but Duct tape does it. I got a length of it about two feet long, folded it in thirds lengthwise so it wasn't sticky, and wrapped it around my neck so it crossed around the back. I pulled on it until my eyes went dark and when I released the grip my head felt like it was swollen and I could hear my pulse bouncing off my ears. I trembled dizzily for half a minute before returning to normal. And I wasn't sad then, I was completely detached, almost curious. Yet when my mom sent that email, sadness.

Go figure.

Because I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all my family, I'm not going to kill myself. I still very, very badly want to, that hasn't changed in the slightest. But my empathy and guilt are pretty strong, and I generally am too depressed to go through with it. My depression isn't a sobbing agony, it's a slow freezing apathy with a dull hopeless sadness. I still feel like hospitalization might keep me from dying. On a whim I might walk in front of a bus.

I really don't want to go, but it's the safe call.. I'm unstable. If I do, my next post will be in a while, maybe a few weeks. I won't bring my computer, only a quarter of the screen works and it's not worth the frustration, and I can't bring a monitor because they don't allow any sort of cord.

I guess I should start thinking about what I want to bring.

Maybe I won't go.

I'm leaving that decision up to my therapist.. I don't want to make the call myself.