Thursday, September 24, 2009


I've been awash with anger today, and can't sleep. I tried to distract myself with Lost, but as soon as I was done I just started up again thinking about every single person I know and coming up with exactly what it would take for me to say that would really deeply hurt them. I'm posting here because I don't want these things in my head just in case I lose control and they slip out.

I'm just furious, at everything, and I know right where it's coming from. Today I was treated without an iota of trust by someone who I was depending on. He didn't listen to me, and I didn't have a chance to hear him out to see if he has a good reason, and I can't see him again until Monday. I know what's best for me, and when I'm not in a position to make good decisions I do something about it, like check in to a hospital. What's triggering this anger is a lack of basic trust, stemming in part from my constant need to make a case for myself. People presented with the cold facts of my life too often treat me like I'm subhuman. I've watched people dropping their capacity to empathize with me, like blowing out a candle. I've been forced by circumstance and humiliation to try to talk to them until things changed. These memories have a lasting effect on me, they aren't going away.

This guy had better be right about what he advocated, but I need him to sell it to me. I want it so much, it would make things so much easier for me, but I can't operate like this.

I need to sort out my trust issues, badly. I'm hurting myself the most here, by all this rumination on other people's insecurities.

1 comment:

  1. There is so much below the surface in what you've written here, it's not easy for me to understand. I hope just getting the thoughts out was some relief, perhaps.
    Establishing trust after trauma can be a bear.