Where am I?

I went to Pittsburgh for the weekend to see my sister's masters concert - she's getting her masters degree in flute performance. I have a serious case of Akasthisia, an obnoxious psychotropic drug symptom that manifests itself as a sort of inner restlessness which causes me to require constant change in stimulation and gives me anxiety if I have to sit still.

There's a lot of potential for some severe issues during Jess' concert, but I'm just so proud of her for doing such an amazing job with school and improving her performance ability so much. She's really got her game together, something I envy. My life has completely fallen apart. I'm comparing myself to her as I sit in her tidy, organized apartment with abundant decorations and I can't help but feel left behind. I'm so tired of having so many issues. I want to feel normal, with normalized anxiety and alleviated depression and none of the symptoms of complex post traumatic stress disorder affecting me. It's overwhelming to be a mental patient, to be legally certifiably insane. I'm going to be certifiable soon, actually, so it's not official yet. I'm not sure how it works but it will help me with getting more medical care and potentially help me get food stamps.

I desperately want a normal life. How did I get to this point? I showed so much promise a year ago, but I was miserable. Yet I was accomplishing so much, and now what am I doing? I don't even know where I'll be tomorrow, much less a few years down the road. Hell, where will I be in an hour, emotionally? Will I make more life changing, mind altering epiphanies?

I need to rest. This is too much.

New Wireform

Yep, just chillin out on the table.

I've been working more on the second wireform.

I've designed her for stop motion filming, so I experimented with sitting her in different positions. That was fun.

I like to think for this one (-->) she's saying, "Where's my head?"

And this one is just a basic sitting on the floor position. She's mostly going to be in the fetal  position, not sure why I didn't photograph that.

Anyway, I still have lots of work to do on her. I'm debating taking all that polyester out of her and lining her with fabric so it's smoother before stuffing that with polyfiller.

I also tried feathers. Bad idea. She looked like she'd been tarred and feathered. I thought it would be poetic but no. Don't do it.

Day in a Bottle

Day in a Bottle

Light blue paint in smokey water,
reds and violets drifting through
She's in the bushes, couldn't spot her
Hide and seek is my game too.

If I could take the day,
and put it in a bottle
I would toss it overboard and sail to tripoli
I could do oh so much more with so much less
but here I am, locked up in a world of excess

Yellows, greens, blue and orange,
black trees white trees brown trees too,
Leaves are falling, seasons change,
they just hope they grew.

If I could take the day,
and put it in a bottle
I would pack it full of candy just for you and me,
I could do oh so much more with so much less
but here I am, locked up in a world of excess

Silver streaks through dark blue skies,
light blue shining over white,
What's that look there in your eyes,
What is in the air tonight?

If I could take the day,
and put it in a bottle
I'd break it open lost forever just you wait and see
I could do oh so much more with so much less
but here I am, locked up in a world of excess

Creative Cycle

So, this is another project I'm working on, maybe. It's a small part of it, at the very least.

I like vomit as a metaphor for the creative process. I think it's all just regurgitation with different flavors and colors that come from inside of you. You know, vomit.

I kind of want to animate it in watercolors. It's so visceral, so crazy and so fun I can't help but get excited about it.

Emotion Sign Language.

"DEPRESSION"

I spent time in the psychiatric unit of a hospital for most of October. While I was in there, I made hands. Eight of them. Six came out especially meaningful, so I'll show them here. Click the images for larger versions. They have veins and fingernails and are excruciatingly detailed using the tine of a plastic fork, a spoon, a paper towel and a toothbrush.

"ANXIETY"

This one took days for me to do. I was unhappy with it six times, mashing it up after each. The seventh time I used a new technique, molding parts and hanging them off a plastic cup first then compositing them.

"PAIN"

"PANIC"

"OVERCOME"

"Overcome" was particularly meaningful. It was when I felt like I was clawing my way out of my depression and trauma issues, I was forced onto a path of recovery and I was doing my best to make the most of it. I don't know what I would have done without sculpture. My parents dropped off some Crayola Model Magic, which is what all these are made from, when they came for the second family visit. That was so much better than the first. The first left me wanting to jump through my window, and I tried.

"PASSIVITY"

To balance out the intensity of all the others I decided to make one that is truly at peace. This one took me hardly any time at all to make. I was in a calm, peaceful place for once. I've gotten so used to turbulence that when it abates it's really special to me.

Well, that's everything. I have lots more art to document, but I'm out of good hands. I made a couple more but I don't think they're as good as these.

Topiary finished!

Finished!

So, now I have to plant it and start the vines. I'm thinking of getting some English Ivy to wrap around it while the Creeping Fig grows. It's a big leaf, but might look nice to contrast the small leaf. I'm not going to right now though, I used up my paycheck. On the right is a slightly different angle so you can see more of the scale and shape of it. I still have some minor adjustments to make, squishing in the hands a bit and such. They're a bit big, as you can see on the left, but that's because I wanted fingers and that's just how big they turned out at their absolute smallest practical size. They should be able to squish in a little more though, which will help.

I had to find a bunch of ways to support it the arms and the head. They didn't want to stay in their position, so I had to string wire from 2/3 up the arm and lace it down to the metal rod from a slightly higher position than I wanted, knowing it would settle a little. They're good where they are now and I think they'll stay.

I dropped myself in there for scale. She's about 1/2 life size, maybe slightly more. The potter growing out of her chest dictated her size, in a way, because I needed a decent area for a plant in there and the roots needed space to grow. Hopefully it will be okay with just this size, because it's really not too expandable. I'll be putting a plastic pot in her chest with the natural fabric stuff as just a plate for collecting excess water so the sphagnum moss doesn't mildew or mold. Plastic for the light weight. Otherwise I'd think terra cotta.

Oh, and there was one more innovation. I used some J-B Weld to secure the rod to the base, and I'm securing the lady's position to the rod later today. She can spin a little right now and I don't want that.

So, it's almost done. It'll be a three-day crazy adventure. I'm so excited to watch it grow.

EDIT:: Okay, all done! I have to get more plants, but this is what I have, all set up!

EDIT 2::

I cut the rod off. It was disturbing.

Topiary progress report

Here's my current progress on the topiary. You can also see my cello case there on the right :)

Cathy said I rarely do anything the easy way. Well, I just did! I found an elegant solution to my conundrum.

What I did was buy a cheap hanging planter with a stand, I'm not sure if it was supposed to have the stand or not but I used self checkout just incase.

You can see the stand and the base of the foot on the right. It's working well! I just shoved a 1/3" metal rod through the topiary and into the base. I need to get something to cut the rod, but it seems to be standing without bending too much so I'm content

The basket I bought also came with this handy dandy natural bowl that will give me the drainage I need!

I look sleepy in that pic. I blame the seroquel.

So, now I need to cut that bowl to form and shove it in the lady's chest so she can have some plants growing out of there. I need to come up with a good name for her. My sister Kim could do it I bet. I just fired off a text to her, we'll see if she comes up with anything.


So, the march goes on. She's worth about $100 now in materials and I need more sphagnum so when I'm done, she'll be worth maybe $120. I could sell her for much more though!

Such an exciting project. She reminds me of the dryads from fantasia.